In this week's parasha, Vayechi, Yaakov is upon his deathbed when he summons each of his sons to his side. He offers each son (and his two grandsons, Ephraim and Menashe) a blessing. Upon concluding the blessings, he asks to be buried with his father and grandfather (Isaac and Abraham) in the Cave of Machpelah in the land of Canaan.
Yaakov's request is honored by his sons. They carry his body from Egypt to the land of Canaan and bury him in the Cave of Machpelah. It is at this point that Joseph's brothers fear that he will repay them for having sold him into slavery. They decide to tell Joseph that their father wanted them to tell him that he (Joseph) was to forgive their "spiteful deed." Joseph weeps when he hears their words. He comforts them knowing that they are afraid and need his assurance that they will not be harmed now that their father is dead. What a tribute that is to Joseph's nature!
How many times have you heard of siblings who stop relating to one another in loving ways once their parent is dead? Perhaps they may have had disagreements while their parent was alive, but respected their parent enough to keep antagonistic behaviors on the back burner. When their parent is no longer around to see what goes on, they act upon the grudges that they have harbored for so long. They sever their relationships. Personally, each time I run into such behavior, it saddens me. I feel it shows disrespect to the memory of the individual(s) who raised those children to adulthood.
It is possible to be different from your siblings, disagree with their words and actions, yet still remain connected to them. I think every parent probably wants his/her children to form a bond with one another...a bond that will not depend upon the parent's presence. So how does one manage to maintain the bond if hurtful words have been uttered in the past or hurtful actions have taken place? The answer is found by looking at Joseph's response to his siblings who had wronged him so tremendously. He comforted them and spoke to their heart. He used empathy. As Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson , Dean of the Ziegler School of Rabbinics wrote, "He truly listened to their concerns, and then he, in turn, shared his heart with them." Such open communication may not produce agreement, but it does produce understanding. It allows siblings who are all undergoing major emotional changes due to the loss of their parent to comfort one another rather than to bring each other pain. Isn't that a more fitting way to show respect to the memory that each child holds within him/herself than to bear a grudge?
I find the Torah gives us a path to follow when we are suffering the loss of a parent. It encourages us to speak to our siblings with empathy, to try to understand that they too are on an emotional roller coaster. Animosity can be avoided. Grudges do not have to be held.
Shabbat Shalom.
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