Constructive Conflict- the 9th Day of Adar- A Model for Every Day (Thanks to Pardes Institute)

The 9^th Day of Adar is known on the Jewish Calendar as the day of Constructive Conflict. This week the 9^th of Adar falls on Thursday.  Actually there is now an entire week designed to uphold this theme of constructive conflict. Perhaps you’ve noticed that having healthy disagreements is not something that we see happening very much in our current culture.  Instead we see divisions arising based on political, religious, and personal opinions that differ from those held by our friends and family members, as well as from those with whom we have little physical interaction. The latter category of division often is played out on social media like FaceBook and Twitter.

On the 9th of the Hebrew month of Adar, approximately 2,000 years ago, the initially peaceful and constructive disagreements between two dominant Jewish schools of thought, Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai, turned destructive over a vote on 18 ideologically charged legal matters, leading, according to some sources, to the death of 3,000 students. The day was said to be as tragic as the day the golden calf was created. It was later declared a fast day, however it was never observed as such (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim, Laws of Fasts 580).

In addition, on the 9th of Adar, on February 13, 1992, mediation and other forms of Alternative Dispute Resolution were officially introduced into Israeli law. 

In Israel, there is now the 9^th of Adar Project is known as Dibur Hadash: Israeli Week of Constructive Conflict which seeks to reach beyond the Jewish community to promote the shared values of constructive conflict both within and between different religious and cultural identities.  So far, there are over 35 Israeli NGOs promoting the project throughout all sectors of Israeli society including community mediation and dialogue centers, intra-faith and inter-faith programs. The project is a joint initiative of the Pardes Center for Judaism and Conflict Resolution and Mosaica: the Center for Conflict Resolution Through Agreement.

Recently I posted a challenge on our Friends of Tifereth Israel FaceBook page to fast from the use of language that was not necessary, kind, truthful, nor positive. I’m not sure how many of us took up the challenge, but I do know that being mindful about our use of language can only lead to positive outcomes.

How do you define constructive conflict?  What elements do you believe are necessary to turn conflict into a positive experience?

Constructive conflict means advocating for one’s needs and opinions while taking into consideration the opposing needs and opinions of others. Conflicts turn destructive when one side attempts to advance their needs or opinions without acknowledging opposing needs and opinions.

In Jewish tradition, constructive conflict is known as mahloket l’shem shamayim (disagreements for the sake of Heaven). It includes arguing the issues while respecting and maintaining good relationships with the other side, making sure that one’s personal motivation is to come to the best solution and not just to ‘win’, at times admitting to being wrong and acknowledging that sometimes both sides might be right.

If you are an aficionado of the news these days, perhaps you’ve noticed how inundated we are with news sources that conflict with one another.  News  channels as well as newspapers appear to have their own ideological point of view designed to influence the outlooks of their viewers and readers. The same news event is often reported in radically different ways depending on the news outlet providing the report.  I know that it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to bridge differences when individuals have their ideological divides deepened by broadcasting stations and newspapers with commentaries meant to help their listeners and viewers feel more empowered.  What is the best way to remove ourselves from such a situation?   It is for both sides to read or listen to reports about the actual events without commentary and then to look at the two opposing versions of the commentary provided by liberal and conservative news sources.  Then it would be constructive to have a discussion about what you’ve ascertained in a positive way.

It is my understanding that the Wall Street Journal has a site called Blue Feed, Red Feed which compares liberal and conservative feeds on specific news topics.  When starting to look at this site it would be helpful to find areas of commonality between the two outlooks.  What shared facts do they both have? What are two essential differences in their reports? What information was added or omitted? How was the same information understood differently? What other context is introduced to interpret the event?

Personally, I think that when we block ourselves off from hearing competing views, we also set ourselves up for uncivil discourse and non-constructive conflicts.  Approaching our differences with respect and open minds is likely to be the only solution to the atmosphere that is currently taking hold in our society.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks talks about the schools of Hillel and Shammai and their arguments for the sake of Heaven.  He points out that “The Talmud tells us that the views of the school of Hillel became law “because they were pleasant and did not take offence, and because they taught the views of their opponents as well as their own, indeed they taught the views of their opponents before their own.”

Last week I attended a Mental Health and Threat Assessment Training session by Region 5 with those serving our community as first-responders.  We learned about how criticism generates cortisol, which creates a situation where our prefrontal cortex shuts down.  It distorts our perception of reality and can impact us for up to 26 hours.  Rambam, who was not only an expert in Jewish law, but also a physician, dealt with the proper way of offering criticism to another individual. 

The Rambam in Hilchot Deot 6:6 writes:

‘When a man commits a transgression against a fellow person, he should not hate the offender and keep silent…rather, there is a mitzvah incumbent upon him to inform him and say to him. “Why did you do such and such to me?” and, “For what reason did you commit a transgression against me in regard to the specified matter?”

From here we learn a few important tips for offering constructive feedback:

"1. Don’t keep your frustration in and not say anything; too often it will only foster more hatred and destructive behavior.

2. Honestly ask to understand their perspective as to why they may have done or not done what is bothering you.

3. Be as specific as possible about what is bothering you, avoiding generalizations." (from Daniel Roth of the Pardes Institute)

The Rambam then continues [Hilchot Deot 6:7]:

“He who reproves his friend… is required to reprove him [in private] between the other person and himself, to speak gently and in a soft manner, and to make known to him that you are speaking to him only for his benefit…”

Here the Rambam adds more advice:

"4. Speak to the person in private, not in front of peers or others.

5. Speak gently and in a soft manner. This is best achieved when you speak from your point of view, not presenting the events as hard evidence against them, thereby leaving room for them to hear you and share their perspective.

6. Try to explain that you are bringing the issue up in order to help them [and you] learn and grow from the experience and not for the sake of hurting them. "

(from Daniel Roth of the Pardes Institute)

In current studies of optimizing human well-being and performance, we now know that we can influence outcomes by being affirmative with one another.  When we collaborate, communicate, and trust one another we engage our prefrontal cortex and produce our feel good hormone, oxytocin!  Unfortunately, the oxytocin only lasts in one’s blood stream for two hours. 

So while offering constructive criticism one needs also to provide positive affirmation about what one sees that is going well. “ When done correctly, providing constructive feedback can be straightforward and helpful rather than difficult and hurtful. It should lead to growth and increase real peace between you, as Resh Lakish said, tochahah brings to peace…any peace without tochahah is not peace ” [Genesis Rabbah 54:31].

Our greatest opportunity for success when working together, even if there are areas of disagreement between us, is to focus on our greatest strengths and to make sure that whatever disagreements we do have are discussed in respectful ways without a sense of needing to win the argument.