How to Go About Forgiveness-

There is a statement that we hear quite often, “Man makes plans and G-d laughs.”  For most of us this is how we think about life; we make plans and then realize that they don’t always come to fruition because of extenuating circumstances.  But there is a flip side to that statement that I recently heard and it bears repeating on this Kol Nidrei evening.  “G-d has great plans for us, but WE laugh.”  Think about using this statement as a way of evaluating our lives.  Do we approach life with a sense of knowing what is our purpose?  Do we wake up in the morning knowing what we exist to be? If G-d were to speak to us today and ask where we are along our journey in life, would we be able to take a look at ourselves and give an answer that we would find meaningful?

Rabbi Naomi Levy who wrote the book, Talking to G-d, has coined a word that perhaps will have meaning to us all.  We know how prevalent it is to take selfies and post them on social media or share with loved ones via the internet.  But instead, shouldn’t we know how to take soul-fies not selfies. Taking a soul-fie requires us to take the time to do self-reflection and self-evaluation.  It requires us to avoid taking a superficial look at our lives.   My guess is that our time together tonight and tomorrow if used properly will afford us a first-hand opportunity to take soul-fies.

What are is your deepest yearning in life?  Is it to establish deeper connections with family and friends?  Is it to bring healing to a world that is fractured?  Is it to grow as a human being who understands that each of us has a sacred purpose in being part of this world?  During the High Holy Day period we speak about chesbon  hanefesh, making an accounting of our soul.  Perhaps what has been apart of Judaism for centuries is actually what taking a soul-fie is all about!

Part of the soul-fie we should try to engage in is related to the topic of forgiveness.  We know that for the past ten days we should have tried to repair the damage and hurt we have caused to others and committed ourselves to behaving differently in the future.  Perhaps over this period, we have felt confusion about how far forgiveness should go.  I think much has been written to remind us that forgiving isn’t a favor you do for the person who has offended you.  Forgiveness, according to Rabbi Harold Kushner, “is a favor we do for ourselves, cleansing our souls of thoughts and memories that lead us to see ourselves as victims and make our lives less enjoyable. When we understand we have little choice as to what other people do but we can always choose how we will respond to what they do, we can let go of those embittering memories and enter the New Year clean and fresh.” 

Yes, it really is possible to forgive without forgetting.  Remembering doesn’t mean you are holding a grudge, it means you are perhaps protecting yourself from a future similar hurt.  Forgiving does not also mean condoning another’s behavior.  It is possible to feel that a person’s behavior was wrong but manage to let go of the anger and hurt associated with it.

In the words of Rabbi Kushner, “forgiveness is something you do when you’re strong enough to let go.  When you are strong enough to say, ‘ you, because of what you did to me, don’t deserve the power to be the ghost inside my head.”

As we do our soul searching, it is helpful to remember that pre-occupation with the past can be overbearing, wearing us down, giving us less energy to move forward in the future. 

Just as it is good for our souls to forgive others, it is also good for our souls to apologize when we are the ones who need forgiveness.  We know what it means to take responsibility for our actions and apologizing requires us to do exactly that.  Asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness are equal sides of our Jewish tradition.  If it is difficult for you to say you’re sorry in person, then perhaps conveying the message in writing is a means that will work for you. 

And finally, as you do your soul-fie, cheshbon ha-nefesh, think also about forgiving yourself for missing the mark on occasion throughout the year.  Don’t beat yourself up, rather think about your good qualities and realize the areas in which you’ve missed the mark, but also focus on redirecting your previously mis-directed energies.  In the book Wise Aging by Rabbi Rachel Cowen there is a discussion about how beating ourselves up and rejecting ourselves leads us further from goodness not closer to it.  Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav wrote, “You must also find the good in yourself.  A fundamental principle in life is that you should always try to keep happy and steer well away from depression.  When you start looking deep inside yourself, you may think you have no good in you at all.  You may feel you are full of evil, and the negative voice inside you tries to make you depressed. ….Search until you find some little good in you….the good you find inside you will give you new life and bring joy to your soul. “

Your soul-fie is important because it looks at your innermost core which  is G-d given.  It is holy, pure and the essence of your being.  Take time to nurture it, think about your purpose in life, and live accordingly during the coming year.

G’mar Chatimah Tovah