Family Relationships....applied to congregational relationships (inspired by Harold Kushner)

When I made the choice to call this Shabbat our Intergenerational Shabbat, I did so on the basis that the name of this week’s parasha is Toldot, meaning generations.  The ideal state of multi-generational living would be to have peaceful relations characterized by civility and respect between family members. This peaceful co-existence between family members is known as Shalom Bayit.  But we know that conflicts, grudges, and bad feelings can also be found between members of a family.

The Torah was also aware of the lack of shalom bayit (peace in the house)  that can exist within families.  Today we even read about a conflict that started in the womb between Jacob and Esau. We saw examples of parents having a favorite child and we witnessed an unhealthy rivalry between siblings.  The parasha reminds us that there are times when familial relationships can be challenging and even unpleasant.

If I were to offer advice to individuals who find their interactions with different family members painful, it would be to keeping the lines of communication open, even when an insult has occurred or there is a feeling of slight caused by insensitive comments or actions that were made.  Each of us can conjure up thoughts about interactions that we wish hadn’t occurred with our siblings or parents that could be debilitating if we allowed them to be so.  Yet, if life is to move forward on a positive note, we cannot spend our time thinking about how we would like to get even with someone who has harmed us.  Getting revenge is not part of a Torah outlook on life.

We are told in Leviticus 19:18, “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your neighbor but you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 

In his latest book, Nine Essential Things I’ve Learned about Life, Rabbi Harold Kushner relates a Hasidic parable originally cited by Martin Buber: “Imagine yourself peeling an apple.  You are holding the apple in your left hand and the knife in your right.  The knife slips and cuts into your left hand.  It hurts; it is painful and bleeding.  What do you do?  Does the left hand grab the knife and stab the right hand to get even?  Of course not.  Both hands are part of the same person.  You would only be hurting yourself, a second time.”

So we might say, I understand about not taking vengeance against someone in my family who has mistreated me, but why shouldn’t I bear a grudge.  Why should I have anything to do with that individual?  My answer is that bearing a grudge also effects the one harboring the grudge.  By holding onto anger and hurt we give free space in our brain to the individual we feel caused us pain.  By not moving forward we create an image of ourselves as victims. We actually lose the power to take charge of our future because we are so obsessed with rewriting the past which cannot be rewritten.

Forgiveness will be a theme that is brought up in the stories of Jacob and Esau and Joseph and his brothers in the weeks to come.  The Torah goes out of its way to make sure that forgiveness between family members is modeled even when the original intent of the actions between siblings was to hurt one another.

As we convene together in this synagogue, many of us have our strongest friendships and relationships right within these walls.  We may hold differences of opinions from one another about politics, the best courses of action to take for our future, and about what part of Judaism is most important to us, but we can still love one another despite our differences. The important part about being a congregational family is to realize that our strength shows itself when we appreciate one another and can accept one another with open hearts.

So on this Shabbat Toldot, let us recognize the amazing gift we have by being a multi-generational congregation which is very much like a multi-generational family.  Let us continue to support one another in our times of joy and sadness and health and sickness. An may we all thank G-d for giving us this lovely group of octogenarians and nonagenarians who grace our membership list and are with us today.  When we have our Kiddush lunch, we will give them a special sign of our appreciation for who they are.

Shabbat Shalom.