This week’s
parasha begins with the words, “Ya-akov lived seventeen years in the land of
Mitzrayim…..The time for Yisrael to die approached so he called his son, Yosef,
and said to him, “If you now regard me favorably, please place your hand below
my thigh to swear that you will perform genuine kindness with me…..” “Some time after these events a messenger
told Yosef, “Your father, he is ill, so he took with him to Yaakov his two
sons, Menashe and Ephraim.”
If you
remember the beginning of Joseph’s life, he spent the first 17 years before
being sold into slavery in his father’s house, being pampered and cared for by
his doting father, Jacob. Now at the end
of Jacob’s life, there is a reversal of roles.
Jacob, an old man of 147 years has spent the last 17 of them in Egypt,
in Joseph’s neighborhood. It appears
that his successful and busy son, however, still has time for him whenever he
is summoned.
In many
ways, this ancient family reminds me a bit of our modern day families. Kids live in their parents’ home until they
are in their upper teens and then separate from their parents, often living in
faraway places until their parents come to an age when they need family around
once again for physical and emotional support.
Then parents are often found moving long distances so they are not
dealing with end of life issues alone.
Actually
when you think about it, even when such a move takes place, parents often have
to summon their children to come to their side before it is too late. There
often is not daily interaction between the generations. And visits by busy
children who do not live nearby might take place once a year or even once every
few years at best. Elderly parents can
be heard worrying about how they will manage all the day to day decisions about
their homes, health, etc. Of course, now
we often place the elderly in assisted living institutions which provide the care
while children remain involved in their own lives.
When I think
about the way we structure our generational patterns of living, I often think
about the wisdom of cultures which promote having three generations living
under one roof. As you probably know, my
family did that very thing for ten years, and at one point we had four
generations living under one roof.
Although many individuals thought such an intergenerational home was
perhaps a hardship on all generations, what I experienced was quite the opposite.
In the
intergenerational home there is no possibility that the patriarch of a family
would meet his grandchildren and say as did Jacob in this week’s parasha, “Who are they?” Nor would there be a need for the aging elder
to summon his offspring from afar when he was approaching death.
In a similar
vein, many of us often think that the command to honor one’s parent(s) is meant
for young children growing up in the parental home. Instead, it is designed for adult children
who find themselves in a reversal of roles.
The true test of whether one honors a parent is whether or not the adult
child feeds the parent when he can no longer feed himself or clothes him when he
can no longer dress himself.
How one
provides the support for aging parents is also important. A
Talmud comment on the dynamics of the adult child/aged parent relationship
notes that one child may feed his/her parent the richest fare but will have
failed to honor him/her. A second child that can only provide simple fare is
highly praised. How so? The former places the gourmet dish before the parent
but with the comment, eat but have you any idea the cost of the food with which
I feed you. The latter child places his simple fare but sits with him/ her and
expresses joy that he/she can share whatever he has with his/her parent. The
caveat is clear: respect and honor are more precious than even sweetbreads and
the finest pastries. (Arnold Goodman)
So as we finish the book of
Genesis this week, we have seen many patterns of interaction between the generations
from which to learn. I hope that we can
use the failings and successes of those whom we call our patriarchs as a
platform for our own growth as modern day families showing respect for the
elderly in our midst and learning how to avoid regret on the part of our adult children.
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