Self Doubt

Last week, the beginning of Shemot told us about Moses’ encounter with G-d in the wilderness.  It was an account which points out Moses’ doubts about leading the children of Israel out of Egypt.  In a scene in Midian, Moses appears to refuse to obey G-d’s explicit commands.  Moses wonders, “Who am I that I should go to Pharoah and that I should take the Children of Israel out of Egypt?”  Being humble, he does not feel that he is up to the task of approaching Pharoah on such an important mission.

In this week’s parasha, Va’era, Moses points out that he might not be up to the assignment that G-d has given him.  He says, “Behold the Children of Israel have not listened to me, so how will Pharoah listen to me? And I have sealed lips?”  These words seem to be a repetition of the words Moses offered to G-d at the end of last week’s parasha.  “Please my Lord, I am not a man of words, not since yesterday, nor since the day before yesterday, nor since You first spoke to Your servant, for I am heavy of mouth and heavy of speech.”  

Perhaps, if Moses had been living in our age, his friends might have counseled him to see a therapist to find out why he felt so inadequate.  Perhaps it was his parents’ fault that he was full of so much self-doubt.  Perhaps his lack of self-confidence was a result of having grown up in the lap of luxury and suddenly being faced with a task of immense challenge.  Perhaps his inability to feel as if he should accept the mission was a result of his lack of faith in G-d’s ability to help him meet the greatest of challenges.

Traditional sources have looked at Moses’ response and said it was a result of not wanting to assume a position that would show his superiority over his older brother.  Some sources argued his protest was due to the fact that he needed to be reassured that G-d would provide him with the guidance and assistance he needed in order to succeed at the task.

What strikes me in this story, is the self-doubt that one of our greatest prophets possessed.  Self-doubt is a theme that did not end in the Torah, it seems to abound in life even today!  How many of us wonder whether or not we are up to the challenges we face?  How many of us have spouses or children who bend our ears with thoughts based on self-doubt?  Doubt that attacks our ability to believe in ourselves as the recipients of G-d given talents can be paralyzing.  Doubt can eat away at faith, our belief that G-d is with us.

In the Torah, Moses’ self- doubts are not allowed to take precedence over action.  G-d reassures Moses that even though he is of heavy speech, Aaron will be the one to speak before Pharoah, the very words that G-d Himself will relay to Moses.  Moses is not given the opportunity to be frozen into non-action by his self-doubts.

There is a passage in Pirkei Avot which suggests that we might not be able to complete an act, but we are not free to desist from it….lo alecha hamlacha ligmor….In other words, even when we doubt our ability to complete an act in the way in which it needs to be completed, even if we are insecure about our own abilities, we must act!  When we act, we might actually find that others will come forward to work with us when they see the importance of our actions.  When we dispel doubt and replace it with certainty our actions will become more efficacious.  In the world in which we live, G-d does not confront us directly and tell us that we cannot let self-doubt be in charge.  However, if we conquer our fears about our capacity to make a difference in the lives of those we encounter, we are more likely to find untapped sources of strength that will amaze us! Perhaps the theory of self-fulfilling prophecy, speaking positively about one’s self and one’s potential, was actually first promoted by the story in this week’s parasha.