I attempted to hold a meeting for parents (and grandparents) today who have found themselves having to navigate what appear to be very fearful times in our country. I must say the turn out was way lower than I had expected since the words I had heard from parents had actually indicated that they are concerned about how to approach their children when it "feels like the end of the world."
Needless to say, here are some of the thoughts that were shared (many of which were gleaned from a recent webinar on a similar topic run by the small congregations cohort of USCJ):
1) With reports of terrorists, gun violence, racial conflict, and hate-filled political events taking place, we might feel that we have a reduced capacity to keep our children safe.
2) With social media being so prevalent in our society, the fear and uncertainty seems to be amplified.
3) When children ask questions like, "Why does G-d allow this to happen?" it is better to say, "I don't know," than to give an answer that is not true and might be damaging in the long-run. It is my tendency to say that G-d gave us freee will and it is up to each of us to choose whether we will do good or not.
4) Judaism uses ritual to tell us how to behave. Rituals are predictable and keep us anchored. They connect us to something larger than ourselves. Learning to use Jewish ritual in your home life can bring a sense of well-being to those involved in the rituals.
5) Bedtime rituals like saying the shema or the hashkiveynu prayer can leave a child with a sense of peace. (see me for copies if you need them)
6) Other bedtime rituals to think about including are asking: What is something you are thankful for today? What is something that you are looking forward to tomorrow/ in the day ahead? These questions allow for a space for reflection/ gratitude/ and a sense of hope.
7) As the day fades we need to remind ourselves of the positive things and thank G-d for those things.
8) Teach kids that the world is not perfect but we can be G-d's partners to help perfect it (tikkun olam).
9) Whatever you can do to increase the good in the world will help you feel empowered.
10)Understand that your sphere of influence might be limited. Teach kids that they can change themselves but not always others....we learn to control our responses (including a sense of fear) and increase our positivity....we think about where we can contribute to the well-being of our interactions.
11) Make sure that as you answer questions, you do so based on the age of the child and what they can handle. For example young children can be told that there are bad people, but not necessarily the details about what those individuals do to hurt others.
12) Using a concept from Mr. Rogers (on PBS) long ago, "Look for the helpers when the bad happens."
13) Teach your kids which adults to speak to if they are faced with hateful language or actions in the neighborhood or at school.
It is my feeling that children don't need to own the problems that adults recognize. Adults need to make sure that children feel safe, loved, and secure even when they themselves are feeling insecure.
If you involve your child in a performing small acts of kindness for groups feeling marginalized and threatened, you will be helping them realize the good that they can do.
When I was in Israel several years ago, I was very aware that as rockets were being lobbed at Israeli cities, the idea of preparedness wasn't addressed with the children as anything other than preparedness. Messages about hate were not present. Messages about fear were not present. Children were encouraged to be kids in spite of the tense times. I think we can learn much from this attitude.
Children should not be carrying the burdens that adults might be feeling. Parents might have to do a better job of monitoring the amount of information that they are sharing with their young children in order to keep them free from fear.
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