Thoughts About Guilt...Yom Kippur/Kol Nidrei Sermon

A man calls his mother in Florida.  "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." 

You might recognize that joke as a prime example of Jewish guilt heaped upon a child by his mother.  Perhaps it is the reason that a popular button has been created that says, “I survived a Jewish mother.”

We Jewish mothers may have a reputation for serving out portions of guilt, but the truth of the matter is that healthy guilt does serve a functional purpose in society in general and in religion in particular.  Why do I say that?   I believe that without a sense that you’ve done something wrong, it is hard to fix one’s actions.  Guilt allows you to take note of your short-comings when comparing them to your intended goals.  Healthy guilt is a matter of your conscience telling you that there is something in your world that you should not ignore.  If you wallow in guilt or become stuck in guilt without using it as a motivating factor, then it can paralyze you.  During the High Holydays, however, guilt is a starting place for change.

Rabbi David Wolpe of Sinai Temple in Los Angeles offers a defense of guilt.

Facing up to the hurt we cause others with cruel speech or callous acts, and to our myriad failures to meet the marks God sets for living a true and good life, "makes forgiveness meaningful, not merely a catchphrase," Wolpe says.

Perhaps you’ve worked with individuals who appear to have no conscience.  They can inflict pain on others and never flinch.  They have no regrets when their words or actions are harmful.  They do not feel compelled to say that they are sorry nor to try again using a different tactic.  Such individuals may be labeled as socio-paths.   They lack a sense of guilt, and do not benefit by identifying the areas of self that need improvement, thus wiping their slate clean.

We should not expect to go through life without making mistakes.  That’s part of our human condition.  If we fall apart emotionally  because we made a mistake, however, then that error does not become productive.  Mistakes help us learn and we can clean up our mistakes if we just think about them, decide what we will do differently the next time, and then resolve to turn our actions around.

You might think about it in the following way:  Keeping a moral tally is part of a Jewish way of approaching life.  The purpose of such a tally is to remind oneself of what is important even in the face of daily failures.  It takes a lot of strength to renounce past actions and attitudes.  It takes huge amounts of will power to make changes where changes are needed. That is not to say that changes will take place immediately.  Sometimes it takes repeated failures before change actually occurs.

Some might find that the term “guilt” makes them feel uncomfortable.  So if you want we can substitute it with the phrase, “healthy regret.”  It is also possible to have a healthy regret about one’s actions that go beyond interactions with friends and family members.  A healthy regret can also involve social ills.  For example if one feels that he/she is not doing enough to eliminate one’s carbon imprint on the planet there can be a sense of healthy regret.  Certainly, thinking about one’s personal use of the Earth’s natural resources at this time of the year, is a worthy endeavor. Taking an inventory of such behavior should, however, lead to a systematic plan of how to embrace a lifestyle change.

When we gather on Yom Kippur to ask forgiveness for our sins, our litany is phrased in the plural.  We also recount the story of the exodus from Egypt and link our failure to enter the Land of Israel until we’d wandered in the wilderness for 40 years to our moral imperfections.  Notice once again the term, “our.”  When we use the plural form we are in effect saying that “even if we did not commit a sin personally, someone in the community surely has.” (Rabbi Harlan Wechsler)

Maimonides put it this way:  “It is necessary that everyone, throughout the year, should regard himself as if he were half innocent and half guilty, and should regard the whole of mankind as half innocent and half guilty.  If then he commits one more sin, he presses down the scale of guilt against himself and the whoe world and causes his destruction.  If he fulfills one commandment, he turns the scale of merit in his favor and in that of the whole world and brings salvation and deliverance to all his fellow-creatures and to himself, as it is said, ‘The righteous man is the foundation of the world’(Proverbs 10:25) this is to say, that he who acts justly presses down the scale of merit in favor of all the world and saves it.”

Dealing with one’s wrong-doings continues even when you’re on your deathbed.  Traditionally, a viduii, confessional prayer, is to be recited if you have the faculties with which to do so.  However, as is often the case, when the body is weak and and there is no strength to offer one’s own prayer asking for forgiveness for wrongs that have been committed, another individual may recite the prayer on your behalf.  I remember offering this prayer on behalf of both of my parents as they lay unable to speak on their deathbeds.  “Adonai our G-d and G-d of our ancestors, we acknowledge that all life is in Your hands.  May it be Your will to send healing to ________.  Yet if the end is imminent, may it reflect Your love and atone for all those times _______________could have done better.  Grant him/her the reward of the righteous and give him/her eternal life in Your Presence.”  Such a prayer seems to bring closure to a life that was well-lived but certainly not perfect; acknowledging that G-d is the source of true forgiveness.

So, don’t use your guilt to burden yourself with a sense that you are a lowly creature unworthy of being forgiven.  Use your sense of guilt as the beginning point for personal growth.  Use it to help you act ethically towards one another.  Channel your guilt into creative actions that help others.  In the end, use that sense of knowing what you would like to have done better as a way to return to G-d.

G’mar Chatimah Tovah!