Forgiving...Forgetting...Using Memory for Building

How many of you have trouble remembering where you put down your keys or your wallet?  How many of you on occasion forget the birthdays of friends or relatives?  How many of you will walk into a room and have to be coached by someone else about a name you’ve forgotten?

Forgetting seems to be a natural part of life, especially if you’re busy and over-programmed.  It is also a natural part of life for those of us who are aging.  Yet, there are individuals who refuse to forget. They hold onto past memories as a way of cataloguing the indignities that they have suffered at the hand of others.  In such cases, memory is not a plus.  It is used to draw divisions between individuals and tear down relationships even after apologies have been offered.

If friends or family members have broken promises or spoken harsh words we need to allow them to make amends by saying they’re sorry.   We also need to genuinely forgive them by letting go of the memories that were painful for us.  If we can forgive and forget, so to speak, we can then move on and build bridges.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, wrote an essay on this very same topic.  He explained that there are three levels of forgiveness:
In the first level, “we don't wish the person any harm and we even pray for their wellbeing. At this basic level of forgiveness we might still be upset, feel hurt or even angry. Yet we find it within ourselves not to hope for the person's downfall and not feel the need for revenge.”
At the second level “we stop being angry. At this second stage we might not be ready to relate to the person as we did before, but we are able to move on and let go to the point where we no longer carry feelings of anger and resentment on any level.
In the third level of forgiveness we are able to restore the relationship. “At this final stage the forgiveness is complete. Not only have we forgiven the individual but we have totally understood and reaccepted him or her. We are now ready to be as close to the offending person as before.”

You might say that accomplishing the first level of forgiveness is fairly easy for you.  That’s a good thing.  Wishing someone else harm or wanting to take revenge for the way someone treated you does not support a healthy frame of mind.  Getting to the second stage of forgiveness is definitely harder.  It’s the stage that requires you to let go of the memories that will burden you. It is not until you enter the third stage of forgiveness, however, that you can rebuild a relationship that was previously torn apart. 

Not every relationship can move on to the third stage of forgiveness.  Sometimes there have been interactions in word and deed that are so toxic that one must cease the relationship in order to maintain one’s own mental well-being or physical safety.  In that case, it might just take lots of work to get to the first stage of forgiveness and resolve to treat the individual with respect if you’re ever in their presence again.  The key is to know where your boundaries lie, and not to use memory as a hindrance for repairing relationships when they can be repaired in a healthy way.
Carrying a grudge and taking revenge are actually legislated against in the Torah. In Leviticus 19:18 we are told “Thou shalt not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the Lord.”  On a practical level such actions don’t allow you to accept the possibility that individuals can truly repent for their  actions. It’s true that if an apology is made, you don’t have to accept it.  But you should also know that you can’t actually keep a sincere individual from achieving teshuvah.  An individual can approach you two more times and if he or she gets the same non-affirming response from you, three attempts on the part of the offender to say he or she is sorry is considered an act of teshuvah as long as it is accompanied by the desire not to offend again.
Rabbi Abraham Twerski, a psychiatrist, wrote the following statement in his book “Living Each Day”: One often hears the comment that ‘harboring resentments is allowing someone whom you do not like to live inside your head rent-free.’  When you harbor resentments, you are the one who suffers rather than the person whom you resent.  It is an act of futility.  It is unlikely to bring about any desired result.”

There is one more part of the equation that we also need to think about.  It involves our relationship to the community.  Do we make judgments about the community based on its past actions and hang on to our grievances in a way that makes it impossible for us to comfortably join the activities of the group?  Do we presume that communities are stagnant and cannot possibly change or do we allow communities to do teshuvah for past actions in the same way that we allow individuals to make amends?  If we recognize that it is important not to separate ourselves from the community, then we must be willing to let the community reach out to us after there have been misunderstandings.  If we can leave ourselves open to personal change and communal change, then we might discover that it is not so important to hang onto memories that impede our relationships.
Although there will be parts of our high holyday liturgy that will deal with memory, such as the yizkor service and the Amidah when we ask G-d to remember us for life, let us strive to use memory only in a positive way.  Let our memories not be a cause for divisiveness within families, among friends, or within the community.