Have you ever had a friend or family member who chose to bear a grudge or to take vengeance against you? Perhaps, you wondered what you had done to incur such a reaction. Perhaps you knew and wanted to make amends but couldn't find a way to get past the wall that existed between the two of you. Such a problem is not just something that self-help books deal with, the Torah deals with it also. In Leviticus 19:17-18 we are told: Do not hate your kinsfolk in your heart. Definitely reprove your kinsman but incur no guilt because of him. Do not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your countrymen. Love your fellow as yourself: I am the Lord.
When I first read that statement, I got stuck on the idea of reproving another individual. However, in the course of my studies this summer I learned that the rebuke needs to be given gently and for the purpose of educating. It is not designed to humiliate the other person or to tear down their ego. It needs to be carried out as a dialogue intended to help the other person learn because it is offered in love. Teachers and parents tend to use this kind of action frequently with their students and children. It takes a wise person to know how to offer a rebuke in a private setting in a loving way and a wise person to know how to accept a rebuke without feeling as if it means he or she is a failure. A wise person can take constructive criticism and see that it actually empowers him or her to make needed changes.
The second part of the statement about not taking vengeance and not bearing a grudge might seem less problematic, but it is important to understand the definition of vengeance and bearing a grudge. In Sifra Kedoshim, parsha 2, it states:
How far does the power of revenge extend? If one says to another: Lend me your scythe, and he refuses to do so. Then on the following day, the latter comes and asks: Lend me your ax, and the former replies: I will not lend you just as you did not lend me, therefore the the Torah says: Do not take revenge."
How far does the power of bearing a grudge extend? If one says to another: Lend me your ax and he refuses to do so. Then on the following day, the latter says: Lend my your scythe. And the former says: Here it is to you- I am not like you who did not lend me the ax. Therefore the Torah says: Do not bear a grudge."
It might be easy not to take revenge because you might feel that such actions are beneath you, but it might be more difficult to not bear a grudge. A wronged person might find it very difficult to erase the matter from his heart. Memories are hard to let go of, but the point might not be about forgetting what happened, but letting go of the intense reaction related to the the incident we remember. Once we can let go of the pain the incident caused, we can stop holding a grudge and move on in our relationships. Dr. Sidney Simon put it this way, "Forgiveness is recognizing that we no longer need our grudges and resentments, our hatred and self-pity. We do not need them as an excuse for getting less out of life than we want or deserve. We do not them as a weapon to punish the people who hurt us or keep other people from getting close enough to hurt us again. We do not need them as an identity. We are more than a victim of injury and injustice."
Maimonides took the concept of not bearing a grudge one step further in his Law of Ethics. He stated, "A person wronged should erase the matter from his heart and not bear a grudge, for as long as he bears a grudge and remembers it, perhaps he will ultimately come to wreak vengeance. Therefore the Torah took a strong stand against bearing a grudge such that a person must erase the wrong from his heart and not remember it at all. And this is the correct attitude to have so that it is possible to sustain civilization and the interaction of people with each other."
All of these statements seem to make sense, for if we spend our time cultivating memories that keep track of every ill that has been done to us, we won't have the energy to become the best individuals that we can be. It seems to me that on the other side of the coin we should use our memories to help us ask forgiveness from those whom we have hurt or slighted. Obviously the place to start is with those in our own families. Parents and children can use this time to strengthen their bonds by breaking down any walls that might have been built up between them. Spouses can use this time to ask one another for forgiveness for past actions. Then if we bare our souls to those we have offended, we should be able to expect that the response will be true forgiveness, not bearing a grudge nor seeking vengeance.
Desmond Tutu wrote, "There is no future without forgiveness." I would like to take that statement one step further. I believe that forgiveness is dependent upon the wrong-doer taking responsibility for his/her actions and asking for forgiveness. That request can really only take place if we believe that the individual we approach is not bearing a grudge nor seeking vengeance. We must be able to move forward as individuals, families, and as a community.
So with that in mind, I ask your pardon if there have been actions or words that have come from this bimah that might have caused you pain or offended you.
May we all work together to make sure that each of us loves our neighbor as ourself!
G'mar Chatimah Tovah.
May you be sealed for good.
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